Qocalmadan qocalmayın!

Rüzgar Mövsüm

İlk dəfə birinci sinifə gedəndə buna fikir vermişdim, çox maraqlı mənzərə idi. 60-65 yaşlarında ağsaç kişi ilə qadın əl-ələ tutub harasa gedirdilər. O vaxtki Hüsü Hacıyev küçəsindən üzü univermağa tərəf yol almışdılar, mən də 20 qəpiklik dondurma almaq üçün mağazaya çıxmışdım. Bunlara xeyli baxdıqdan sonra məndə qəribə hisslər oyandı. Uşaqlıqdan özümdə romantikliyi, sentementallığı kəşf etmişdim, hər şeyə həmişə diqqət edir, araşdırmağı sevirdim, odur ki, düşündüm ki, necə olur ki, bunlar qocalıblar, amma cavanlar kimi əl-ələ gəzirlər?
İllər keçdi, müşahidə qabiliyyətim də mənimlə yavaş-yavaş böyüdü, həyat təcrübəm ildən ilə dolğunlaşdı, dağa-daşa çıxa-çıxa yol tapmağı öyrənməyə başladım. Kişi qadın münasibətləri, anatomiya, psixalogiya, intim mövzularda xeyli məqalələr oxudum, kitab vərəqlədim, münasibətlərin qurulmasını, qorunmasını, dağılmasını kitab-kitab yaşadım.
Kişiliyin həddinə çata-çata artıq oxuduqlarımı özüm təcrübədən keçirməyə başladım, pis, yaxşı münasibətlərim oldu, aldatdım, aldadıldım (Yalan nə deyim, mən də səhvlər etmişəm). Zamanın keçməsinə baxmayaraq hər zaman belə yaşlı cütlüklərə maraqla baxırdım, onların yaşadıqlarını, yaşaya bilmədiklərini həyat adlı kinolarının artıq son dəqiqələrində belə incəliyi, diqqəti unutmadıqlarının şahidi olurdum. Bu cür şeyləri görə-görə artıq belə cütlüklərin tam rəsmi izləyicisi, fanatı rolu mənə həyat tərəfindən sövq-təbii verilmişdi və belə adamları güdməmək artıq mənim ixtiyarımda deyildi. Bəlkə gələcəkdə romanlarımın birini məhz elə belə mövzuya yönəldəcəyəm. Sağlıq olsun.

Güddüyüm, izlədiyim hallar təkcə vətənimdə kifayətlənmədi, xarici səfərlərimdə də belə cütlüklərə xeyli maraq göstərirdim. Yaşlılığın ağappaq qar kimi çağında əl-ələ verib, mehriban-mehriban qucaqlaşmaq, yol getmək, birlikdə vaxt keçirmək, gülməyi bacarmaq… Bu bir müthiş haldır ki, hər adama güman ki, qismət olmur.
Dünən gecə yatmazdan əvvəl düşündüm ki, müşahidələrim ən çox xarici ölkələrdə olub, və vətənimdə son dəfə belə mehriban qoca cütlük gördüyümü dəqiq xatırlamıram…

Bu məni çox məyus etdi. Yadıma şəhərdə, ictimami nəqliyyatda sanki bir-biriləri ilə küsülüymüşlər kimi həvəssiz danışan yaşlı cütlüklərimiz düşdü. Yadıma düşdü ki, onların arasında əl-ələ tutan demək olar ki, görməmişəm, yadıma düşdü ki, qucaqlaşan görməmişəm, yadıma düşdü ki, nəsə mehriban davranan az görmüşəm, yadıma düşdü ki, gördüklərim çox qocalmış, təkcə fiziki deyil, daxili qocalmış, əzgin, yorğun, həvəssizcəsinə maksimum qol-qola girmiş cütlüklər olub, yadıma düşdü ki, ziyalı qiyafəsində, əl-ələ verən, qoca olmasına baxmayaraq cavanlar kimi sevgi dolu baxan qocalarımızı görməmişəm. Anladım ki, onların çoxusu cavan ikən qocalıb, indi heç qocalmaqlarına ehtiyac da yoxdur. Yadıma düşdü ki, heç cavanların arasında belə əsl xoşbəxt baxışlarla alov-alov yanaraq əl-ələ gəzən sevgililərə az rast gəlirəm…

Anladım ki, bizim gənclər cavanikən qocalır. Sizdən xahiş edirəm, qocalmadan qocalmayın.

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